I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
