You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You've changed since you got that strap on
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
