I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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