I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
