I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
