Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
