i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
