I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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