so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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