I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
