guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
