Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
