The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
