i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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