I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
