There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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