Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Damn victory sex feels great
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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