"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
