I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
