If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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