Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
