Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
