Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
