So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
