im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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