WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.