mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
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Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
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I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out