Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life