Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
