This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
