things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
