filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
