I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
