Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?