Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.