My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.