me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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