Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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