i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
