I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
