I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
They should really pass out barf bags in church
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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