Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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