oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
