That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
