phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
