I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
