i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
