fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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