A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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