I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
