i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
