I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I know her cup size but not her name....
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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