and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
