every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
