i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
