Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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