i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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