Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
why do cheetos always look like penises
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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