The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
