After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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