The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
