Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
